The Difficult Conversation

It’s a strange day when you realise you are needing to have, or, you are having the conversations with a parent / family member. The roles are shifting, the dynamics are no longer the same and you are now the responsible person, trying to explain the importance of Lasting Power of Attorney because you can see what is coming and you know that you are the person that will need to be the main source of support.

Despite being a qualified social worker and my dad being immensely proud of my achievements, I was still his little “duck” and the Lasting Power of Attorney conversation was always going to be hard. 

Harder still as he was not yet coming to terms with his diagnosis of mixed dementia, and Parkinson’s disease. 

Dad was a Chartered Surveyor, an Architect, he was a self made man, a proud man, who never needed to call for a tradesman, he could do everything and he was the one that could fix anything.

We all want to have choice and control over our lives and our decisions, and these were the key points for me, when having this conversation with dad.  Asking, who would you want to manage your life?...... the Local Authority?....... Or a chosen friend or family member? 

My dad never wanted the LA to manage his money or make decisions over his care. I explained that I would not be able to help dad with his consultant appointments, that the doctors would not talk to me at a point where he could no longer initiate those conversations, that I would struggle with the GP and making appointments for him.

I found that by presenting dad with the information about Lasting Power of Attorney, and explaining that so many people I work for do not have it and are therefore at the mercy of having the LA make decisions for them, this empowered dad and gave him control at a time when so much was being taken away from him.

Off the back of this initial conversation we started to talk about plans and his wishes and feelings and in turn this opened up so many topics and discussions about his life and experiences that I’m not sure we would have ever spoken about had we not started to plan.

I was better placed to talk to dad because of my experience in my work world. 

However, these are “difficult conversations” 

Who wants to hear, “when you lose capacity, who will manage your money”

And in response to that, who wants to hear, ”don’t worry dear everything is sorted in my Will” which is of no use whilst someone is alive.

Who wants to start sharing information about their finances with their children / loved ones after years of being private and independent.

Who wants to discuss how they want their care and health managed in the future and to share their medical records?

These are all such important yet difficult conversations that will make such a positive difference. In my experience it was having honest conversations, providing information and letting this sit with dad and not being overbearing.  We know our people and what works best for them; it may be that information needs to be in a reading format rather than speech or there are videos and I’ve added some links below; 

However you have the “difficult decision” I really encourage you to, and seek support for you.

Follow this link for further support and advice: www.alzheimers.org.uk

This video from the Alzheimer’s Society highlights the importance of having the conversation as early as possible.